Looking Inside

The first time I stay up this late chatting with people, and something suddenly strikes me- all it takes is a simple conversation to get you going. Thinking about the past and the present, it feels like I've changed a lot, not so much on the outside as much as the inside. But makes you wonder, have I changed for the better or for worse? To me, there's been a significant change in me since last year itself. My serious mood for one has dwindled and I seem to be lazier and more playful. (and lamer) But I'm not the only one that has changed...To me, I feel, recently there's been a change in the whole dynamics of the class itself...What has changed since the beginning of the year? Aren't we all the same people...In just two weeks a whole transformation has taken place. Following Rui Zhi's description of my class- 5A, is more or less split into three groups, the Malays, The Chinese, and The Oddballs. Not because we're odd but because we're originally from different classes, having "upgraded" ourselves into the first class. Last year, I was hidden away in a corner, never having ventured out, I stuck to my books, in many ways, I was a fly on the wall. This year things changed when two of the wackiest, lamest, more "in" guys sat behind my partner and I. And it was in this way that we became more laid back. Having grown quite fond of them (who isn't?), I concluded that I was wrong about these guys, finding that even though they can be quite childish they too have a serious side. I found that they were fun to be with and even sometimes can be quite sweet. I had lots of fun getting to know my classmates better, forging new relationships, and quite enjoying it too. Until recently, certain events have opened my eyes to reality. That even though I knew them, laughed with them, lamed with them, I'm still on the outside. Why is this so? The first I noticed this was during the double celebrations of their birthdays. There was a party going on and much ado about it too. But sadly, apparently, I was not to be invited. Not to be thick-skinned. I don't mind that I was forgotten that bout. But in the next two months or so, there was another birthday and another party after school in our class. And guess what, I wasn't notified about it either! And I was quite close to the birthday girl too. But that's not what grips me the most, it was their appalling attitude when I suggested that we ask another birthday girl from the next class to celebrate with us, or to even offer her a slice of the pizza they ordered as a courtesy. They just shrugged my appeal off without a word...Feeling insulted, I just left the room. What's with this attitude? It's not like we don't know her? It's not like we're all selfish people right? I understand they sprang for the food themselves, I don't mind not being asked earlier if I wanted to pitch in as well, I don't mind not being asked to share the food, but why can't they be more courteous about it? And another time was a hospitality race organized by one of the colleges. Only three groups of three were allowed for each school and all nine places were occupied by this clique... Coming back to school with red faces all around, we could tell they had a lot of fun. Yet, the joy is in the giving, not the receiving? Apparently not, cause no one in their group thought of letting the rest of us maybe have a little slice of the fun they had. Because no one there thought it might be okay if only three of them went, allowing spaces for students from other classes to go and learn as well. There are many other similiar instances as well, the "lost in bermuda" thing, even today when Yee Ling copied stuff onto the blackboard, even in tuition sometimes...Are we all really that selfish? Are we all so involved only in our interest that we oust others because they weren't with us since the beginning? So we only think of others when we need them or when it's convenient for us? Why are we all so eager to show off our dirty looks behind each others backs without thinking that maybe their doing just the same thing and all it takes to stop the cycle is if we stop first? Having said that, I'm really disappointed in some of my "relationships" and hope they get better before they get worse. Pray to God that SPM will pass soon enough so I can move on to college and maybe gain more true friends.

My bed is calling~ 'nite blog