Making Mountains

Wow. Am I tired of this or what? I mean seriously lah guys. I keep thinking about it, beating myself up about it, knowing that it is absolutely not my fault. I try not to make it a big thing. I don't want to seem petty. But you know what? It does matter. I matters to me. Because I thought, in my honest opinion, that I'm your friend. So tell me why do I seem like the only person who cares about our relationships? Our so-called friendships. Was I just being full of myself? Were you lying to me when you said you missed me? When you called me up suddenly? After I found out you celebrated your birthday with your friends, all of whom were, come to think of it, my friends too, at a place 5 minutes away from my house? And you knew too. You knew, you met me in the morning. But didn't even have the courtesy to invite me? Yes, It's a small thing. Why am I throwing a tantrum over not being invited to someone's birthday party? Like a little kid. Honestly, I ask myself that too. In the end, you're not worth it anyway. I trusted you, I believed you. I considered you a close friend, I shared with you. I tell myself it's alright. But it's not. It's not alright. You forget me. YOU forget me when your other friends are there. Do you do this on purpose? Do you know what it feels like? You say you do. But I doubt it. Because you've given me reason enough to. I'm not apologizing. I wouldn't because none of this is my fault. There is nothing I should feel bad about. If you feel hurt when you read this, know that this is what I've been feeling for the past weeks. Because of you, and you, and you, and you. Yes, all of you. All of you, who form this tight, little group of self-satisfied, self-centered, egotistical people who would never even dream of opening yourselves up to other people. Who, while enjoying themselves, wouldn't even spare a minute to think "Hey, what about Sapphira?", "What about Jia Hui?", "What about Jin Sam?". No. You wouldn't. You didn't. You might think I'm mean, spiteful, or vindictive, or heck all three. And you may just be right. But you know what? You are worst off than me. Because I don't go around pretending to be someone's friend, pretending to be nice, pretending to care.

And YOU! Stop being in my head! Stop, cause I know nothing's gonna happen. Stop giving me a reason to hope. Stop giving me reasons to dream.

Wow. That felt great. Whoosh. :P

Results

After two years of tuition, staying back, extra classes, assignments, and well, putting up with lousy teachers, the results are here.

How many days I've been thinking about this, wishing I could just know!!

I was kinda disappointed, I have to admit, Of course I wanted straight A's. But at the end of the day, I realised that all this while, I told myself, 8A's is enough, and now I really am content with what God has given me.

Thank You, Lord, for the 9 A's You have blessed me with. :DD

Well, Thanks guys for everything. This past month, I've had a lot of time to think. And some of my thoughts aren't exactly pleasant as you can see. I've been doubting a lot of the decisions I've made so far. Whether it's right to wanna go overseas especially when economy is so bad. Whether it's crazy to wanna get a degree from u.s. and then find that I wanna teach here at home.

And sometimes, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm only human and my many flaws are well... many.
And sometimes I lose faith in myself and in God. When you start asking yourself if this is it. This is life. We spend the early years preparing fro primary school. And then we spend primary school years preparing for secondary. and so on... when does it stop. What does life amount to. When you grow old and die, does it matter if you scored straight A's for spm?

Does it matter if you've got six beautiful wives? Does it really? So we are living life preparing for what? What does our days on earth prepare us for? Death is a scary thought, and we never really believe it until it looks us in the eye. What happens after death? Do we stop thinking? What bout breathing? existing?

Why am I so uptight about college thinking, worrying bout what I will do with the rest of my life? If my life ends now, I would have wasted the time I was given worrying over things I didn't know I didn't have to worry about...

So now what? Live n the moment? Sure, that sounds good. In books, in movies, we hear things like live in the now. But how many of us really do that? When we're not caught up with school work, we're busy with chores. When does it end? When exams are over? and then what?

I wish I knew. But, Lord, I commit my life to You. Yes, sometimes I doubt, and I feel horrible about doubting. But doubting and not believing are not the same. I believe in You and I want to keep doing so. Like when the lamb got lost and the shepherd carried it on his shoulders, and the shepherds lips were not far from the lambs ears, so I would like to think that in my darkest moments, in my moments of doubt, that God is closest to me. That He is right there waiting for me to turn around.

And so it is. What you do with your life has nothing to do with me. But I want to spend the time He's given me preparing for the next one, where I will be with Him.

This is my commitment Lord, strengthen me in faith, and in spirit, even in my darkest hours may I give thanks to You. Love me, Lord.

Amen

Why? WHY?!

Stop telling me to pick my life up.
I don't know how

Stop telling me everything is a lie.
I know that

Stop telling me what I need and don't need.
I know myself

Stop telling me my life is shit
I know that

Stop telling me I have nothing
I know that too

Stop showing me that my life is a joke
I know all that, I know

stop stop stop just stop
It's not funny, it's not fun.

I hate you

I Want...

Seems to be that almost everyone's happy. It's a good thing hat everyone is happy, we probably should be, seeing as it is the festive season, so called.

I really really hate being a party pooper, but just some thoughts.

Want(verb) : to feel a need or desire to have or do.

Here's what I want:

I want to love unconditionally
I want to have unwavering faith
I want to love God more than I love myself
I want to be patient
I want to stop being judgmental
I want to be humble
I want to be able to say sorry
I want to want what I want for the right reasons
I want to be ready
I want to be beautiful on the inside
I want to stop worrying about my appearance
I want people to like me
I want to open my mouth more
I want to serve Him better
I want to be able to inspire people
I want to stop being insulting
I want mean what I say
I want to do what I preach
I want to be sure
I want to be better in anyway, anywhere, to anyone
I want to be everything that I can be for Him

Well, take a look in the mirror, and know that you don't always get what you want, bitch!

A Fork in the Road

The Star Education Fair... How to put into words...

Thank God for this opportunity lah, firstly...

Secondly, thanks to all the people that were there, mainly telling me the same things...

After a whole morning of mind boggling walking around the KL Convention Center, and checking out manymanymanymany booths...

Here's what's in my mind...

1.
2. ...Study Education in Ireland
...Study Culinary Arts in Switzerland
...Study Nursing here...

3. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

It's no wonder I'm zombified now...

~sReehc